Dear Alessia 101821

What a glorious rest
But everyday is like Christmas waking up with you and your mama
Building the core of a love that’s true
As the world tells you so much can go wrong
It will guide out of your happiness
Out of your blessings
Particularly if waves of dysfunction
Washed over you in early stages of development
As is the case for so many of us
I suppose you could call it a design feature
Of the strange experiment
Called being human

Me and your mama have real designs
At mitigating what seems to be that design flaw
And are working at raising you together
In a vibration of love and happiness
But like all the best people we have our complications
In fact we often talk about how having you
Has lead to a certain kind of humility
And forgiveness of our own origins
And the people who populated them

These last few months have been a real gift
Of focusing on you and your mama and family
Feels like a gift bestowed upon
Me from on high
It really does
And I don’t mean to sound sappy or spiritual
Or brag about good fortune
This world is full of pain and misery
And lord knows I’ve had my share
Much of it of my own making

And though we are wired liked programmed bots
In some cases to make the mistakes we do in this life
We can’t really begin the business
Of liberating ourself from all that
Until we see the whole thing as our responsibility
And get to the business of setting ourselves free from the shackles of whatever past
From which we run
Its in the running
That we become destroyed
It’s in the reckoning that we are born again
And for me and your mama
It’s in the blood of Christ
Where we wash away those sins
Daily prayer is such a huge part of our life
We start the days with it
And end them with it
We rebuke demons
And honestly it has a huge effect

I would have at one point thought anyone who spoke like this was dumb or crazy
And overwhelmed with pain
To the point that they rooted themselves into a delusion
God is a concept
By which we measure our pain
Sings John Lennon
And I see the logic in a line such as this
It’s not like faith is perfect
Or that me and your mama have perfect faith
Or that the cynical sides of our natures
Are suddenly gone without a trace
Or that our sense of humor has dried up and been replaced by devout urgency

We are vast we contain multitudes
And that remains the case

It’s more like a science experiment ironically
It’s more like
Living a life and seeing what finally works
After making every mistake in the book
And yes pain and despair
Do bring you to the lord
God is a concept by which we measure our pain
But he is that and so much more
There is a personal love there that is undeniable
And urging you to surrender to it
All the days of your life
But the lord won’t force It upon you
As another measure of his love
Of his respect
And in that same way
When it’s time to soldier into the beyond
If you’ve denied him
If you’ve refused to surrender
If you can’t repent and face the fact that you’re a sinner
It makes it easy to see
How there could be implications for that in the world beyond this
I’m not claiming to know what those are
And honestly I wish everyone could be washed in the blood of Christ
And purified and invited into the endless house party in the sky called heaven
But that would also mean your choices and actions here have no consequences
And that there are no real stakes
And that doesn’t feel to me like what’s going on here
Particularly in these days
When undoubtedly there is a spiritual war taking place
And people picking sides
As perceived realities splinter into different factions
But again
I don’t claim
To know
I walk by faith and not by sight these days
That is all
I live a life I was doing much to avoid
And it hasn’t gone in the direction of my dreams
Or what I thought those were
And to be real
I’ve never been happier
Never more hated
After a lifetime of trying to give and be loved
I was looking for it in the world
And that’s not where I found it
It’s strange but it’s true

Like with writing
Life is one day at a time
One word at a time
Which guides you into a meaning you didn’t know you were looking for
The poem emerges and you realize you have been guided in some way by external forces
But it was a dance because you opened up those avenues of perception
You surrender into the direction of your salvation
You let go
And let yourself be guided into the strange structure of your personal blessings
Which you arrived at through the graveyards
Of pain and misunderstanding
Praying your way through dark nights
And the lunatics of your creation

Never have I encountered difficult days
Without a blessing coming through
Those stations
And these days the universe is guiding me
And in some ways forcing me
Onto paths I wouldn’t have chosen
But also did (on some level) choose
And I couldn’t be happier
Or more in the moment of a renewed life
Staring at the dawn of surrender
And surrounded by love

Go figure.