The world is fallen
But we are not
We are rising yet again
A constant rising
A deep breath in
The will to seek your words
And follow them into new worlds
Building themselves
A different kind of heaven
Bishop Baron
Said the dark night of the soul
Was there to illuminate the heavens
He said you are put through challenges
Where your structures deflate and collapse
So that you may build anew
That’s what an apocalypse is really
A build up to a beginning
An awakening
The sun bursting through the clouds of mercy
And hitting your big blue eye
When you smile
On the breast of your mama
The dark night of the soul
Leads to the bright light of revival
And to Jesus we pray
Like you on the tit of survival
Our source
Our reason
And our purpose comes from him
As he shines the gift and wonder of this life
Back to us
Through you
I take care of your mama
As she takes care of you
And the light in your eyes takes care of me
And the circle is complete
Right there.
The power of our family
In some kind of Union
Led by our prayers
Proper praise
And allegiances to the most high.
You have been cluster feeding for days
I had no idea how challenge breastfeeding was
And neither did your mama
It’s keeping her home bound
And held hostage by something beautiful and divine
But held hostage just the same
If she stops feeding you for even just a few minutes
You will cry sometimes
A cry like a tiny broken speaker cracking before an explosion
Only to end as if it never happened as soon as you attach
Making gurgling sounds
Grunts and moans
From developing nasal passage ways
A look of expression kaleidoscoping your face almost all the time
From deep concern across your brow
To the smile of a thousand Buddha’s
And back again
The feeling of love I have when I get to wake up and see you there
Is hard to describe
Like the magic and the promise of this world
Finally caught up to me
Finally revealed itself
In this tiny helpless constantly feeding little being
Named Alessia
Your mama is magical at her role in taking care of you
Even across days of constant feeding
With her having to be mostly lying in bed with you
Her spirits have remained elevated
Minor points of frustration only a few times
To which she immediately apologizes to both you and me
Though you are none the wiser
And I simply tell her
Baby you don’t owe me an apology
You are amazing and you are doing amazing
To express frustration here and there is healthy
Nothing about this journey of new life is easy
But to that exact degree
Nothing about it
Isn’t completely rewarding
Completely fulfilling
Complete.
But then again I’ve been ready to stop living for myself for awhile now.
So you came like gift burping mamas milk on the bedsheets of mercy.
Your mama actually pumped some milk yesterday
This odd plastic contraption
Sucking unapologetically on her nipple
With you on her other one
Milk factory
The idea was to get a bottle so that we could go on a walk
So that your mama could move her legs
And feel a bit of freedom
She managed a half bottle
And she tried it out on you
I was pushing her to do it so she could get some air
In my mind as long as the milk was from her
What difference did it really make how you got it
But the truth (as usual) is more complicated than that
She went down to the laundry room to check on your diapers (we are hippies and aren’t using disposable ones)
And then it was just me and you again
I sing to you
Playing with your hands and feet
Tell you I love you
And try to to distract you from wanting to breastfeed again instantly
But this time I had a bottle
And so when you made the noises and motions with your mouth that say
Hey it’s time to feed me
I had the bottle
Everything is an event
The first time we gave you the bottle
I filmed it
I have three thousand pics of you already
And your only two weeks old
I picked you up and put you on my chest
And then put the bottle
Near your lips
You attached
And began feverishly drinking again
Where does it go
Your pink cheeks rosy with a magnificent glow
Your mama came back in
I said look at this
She was like
Wow she’s doing it
But something about it rubbed your mama wrong
And me too really
Something felt off about it.
She was too tired to go on a walk and you finished the whole bottle anyway
And reattached to her
I’m too tired she said
Well do you mind if I go on a run
I asked
No not at all
I ran into the city
Over the Manhattan bridge
Listening to the new van Morrison
Running in my barefoot shoes
Another sensitive mechanism of creation
That often gets overlooked
Your feet
And their relationship to your knees and your hips
When running long distance
Big padded running shoes endanger your knees and your hips
Because they desensitize your awareness of your feet
In barefoot shoes you run on your toes
You run like a gazelle
You protect the machine
With the information of the impact
Like you breastfeeding
Even your saliva that you spit back up
Communicates information about your immunity and what you may lack or need
Into the miracle of your mamas body
As she goes into producing the perfect blend
For your health and survival
The magic of creation
The depth and the sensitivity of all its mechanisms
Can’t be over stated or overlooked
I run across the bridge
And I run listening to Van Morrison
His new album
A creative wonder
A writer undeterred by the malice society has foisted upon him for speaking out against the mechanisms of tyranny
What a wonder that is to behold
The “good guys” all for compliance, division and control
And the “bad guys” all for freedom
Trusting in the divinity of nature and Gods perfect and complicated design
That works in such sensitive ways
That is far beyond our ability to comprehend it
But Van with humor and grace
Still fearlessly singing his song
Showed me much
You decide if you allow them to steal your voice
To steal your soul
All the negativity is designed for you to self censor
All the betrayal is to have you descend into a vibration of fear
To take it personally
To change the view of who you are within
But you determine so much more than that
And just like your saliva communicates to your mama through the prism of her nipple
My thoughts and my heart communicate to the world at large
All connected by a spiritual plasma
And I am equipped
You could say uniquely so
To convert hatred and anger
Into love and grace
Mercy and even bliss
For the level
Of vitriol you receive will reflect exactly
That which you convert to mercy
Through prayer and understanding
And ho’oponopono
Dr hew Len
Healed a broken insane asylum
With the power of that prayer
Healed deep rooted insanities
By praying over files
And taking people’s betrayals
And bewilderments as his own
He changed fear into love
He changed sickness into health
He changed damnation into mercy
And he changed regret into hope
Through the power of absolute responsibility
Embracing every disturbance as his own
And his mission to cure it
That is what we do with betrayals
Lest they sabotage life entirely
You lift them to the sun
And you pray over them
And the characters who brought you too them
You ask Christ to absolve them and relieve them
And you also say
I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you
And you also say
I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
Over and over and over again
Like suckling nectar from a spiritual tit
The magic of those words to nourish you and those around you
Is profound
A great trick of conversion
The four agreements tell you to never take anything personally
But they didn’t tell me how to achieve that in a way that really worked until I found hooponopono
And Christ
If you are full of betrayals and rage
You can’t operate from any inspiration at all
Your like a car broken down on the side of the road
Smoke pouring from the hood
Stuck and thinking about how they did you wrong
Or else you know
That the dark night of the soul
Is there to illuminate you
To guide you into strength upon strength
To lift your spiritual muscles
And free you to explore the gift of your days
To bring forth gifts from the complicated maze
Of your life
Hallelujah
We are in a spiritual war
Be smart about counterattacks
Realize you haven’t been attacked at all
Just given gifts disguised
As
Gut punched and spiders crawling
Across betrayals wall
Smile to the most high
Let me see that glow one more time in your eye
When I got home from the run
Your mama and you were on the couch and she was feeding you
She said I’m not gonna bottle feed her just yet
I’m gonna keep going like this
We both had the same thought about it
We were both in sync
We have to try and do what’s right for you with everything we got
Becoming a parent
Means
Your child is the priority above everything else
And to support each other like a team
In the ultimate project
To bring a graceful entity forward into a world gone mad
I support you I said
I totally agree and you are amazing to keep going.
Motherhood is a wild thing to behold from this angle
Fatherhood is easy by comparison
What a lucky man I am