Your mama is in our room with you now
Participating in her own rescue
Aka
On the phone with her therapist
I’m so proud of her. Inspired by her. In love with her. Lucky to know her.
And the healing she has brought into my life
By the weight of love
By the weight of you
Not that any of it is easy
But it’s also not that hard
I think that’s the key to knowing you’re in the right place relationship wise
Things are never easy
Not in this life
But also it shouldn’t be so hard that you get run down
Or broken on a regular basis
There are those who are incapable of participating in their own rescue
Their are those that don’t know they are broken
Or are so broken that they create a false self to live from
And that false self can’t handle the weight of criticism
As for your mama and me
We both readily admit when we are wrong and are quick to give each other genuine apologies
We also participate in our own rescue
And that stretches into our relationship as well
Your mama isn’t afraid of hard work
And of healing and going the distance. I don’t know if she knows how special she is
I do my best to tell her all the time
And she lets me know how loved I am
All the time
This is the environment you’re growing up in
Love from all sides and it reflects in your infinite smile and the light in your eyes
Yesterday you were crying and your mama was trying to bake a keto cake
And so she wasn’t there with us
I was obsessing over NFTs and collecting
Anyway you started crying
And so I picked you up and held you close and started walking around the apartment
Slowly bobbing you up and down
You got quiet instantly
Your inquisitive blue eyes
Going this way and that
Fixating on me
And then a space on the wall to the left and the right
A light here or there
I walked into the kitchen
So you could see your mama
And just then you burped
(Oh that’s what it was)
And then spit up about a pint of warm milk all over my chest
Your mama and me just laughed
As she cleaned me with a paper towel and then another
Something about that moment
Made me think about how you won’t remember any of this
So many moments that will surely become favorite memories for your mama and me
Moments
Like that
Simple
Home bound
Making food and looking after you
Watching a dumb movie on the iPad in our room
I’m sure when I look across the wide expanse of my life
When I’m looking back at it
When it’s nearly over
I’m sure these moments will be my favorite
Or easily top three.
Hopefully we have many years to out do them
And hopefully they will be as happy as these when you can remember them as well
I tried to put you back down
But you instantly cried saying in a cry
No daddy I love it when you hold me and walk around
So we did that some more
And you held onto my long hair pulling it
Let’s go get yogurt I said to your mama
Do you want the wrap
She asked
No I’ll just hold her
Me and you walked outside and I talked to you on the street
Bouncing you slowly up and down
Holding you
Holding me
Do you know how much I love you?
So much
Do you know how beautiful
You are
So beautiful
Your mama was taking her time
We were out there for awhile when she came out looking like she could goto a party
I was in shorts and bare feet
I said babe
We are just going across the street to get yogurt
She laughed and said
I know it’s the Russian in me
We can’t help but look our best
I laughed
And asked you if you would be like that too
I said to you and your mama
Oh well it’s worth it
Having to wait a few extra moments for the privilege of hanging out with you
Anyway I’m doing my best to write down a slice of life
And how it is now
At the dawn of your journey
You are surrounded by love
Your mama says
She’s the serious one and I’m the goof
And it’s true I love playing with you
Trying to make you laugh
Trying to see the warmth of your smile
We aren’t perfect but you have two parents who love you very much
And who are both
Participating in their own rescue
That’s our job here
And it will be your job as well
No matter how well we raise you
No matter how much love we give
And get
Life is a test and a battle and there’s nothing we can do that will change that
But my main goal
And purpose is to make that realization
As soft of a landing as possible
When the complexities of this life finally dawn on you and reach you
I want that hand to
Be gentle
Or as gentle as possible
It’s 10
Am
Your mama is done with therapy now and on these days she’s extra sensitive as she is doing the hard work of uncovering what makes her tick
And so
Am I
In an hour I’ll run into the city and hit a meeting
I’ll keep journaling to you
Documenting for what your memory can’t hold
I want you to have a record of it anyway
Your whole life.
Life is such a beautiful gift
And you are the most beautiful gift of all.
You and your mama.