The losses in this life can gang up on you and stalk you like a pack of junkyard dogs
If you allow them to enter into your heart
Or if
Once they enter
You allow them to simply languish there
Like a poisonous drip from some demented sphere
Always life is a challenge to arrive in the moment
To be in the now
To not let the worries
Of the out of control future
Or the burnt out past
Wreck the days you have before you
Which will one day also soon be gone
And be charged with the power to haunt you
Whether you’ve lived them well or not
You are a constant reminder
Of this as you grow so big so fast
There is a place for worry and concern
As I redefine my career and whatever opportunities exist to keep you fed and sheltered
But I can’t let those concerns rob me of this magical time with you and your mama
And I have to be present for you and your mama
And for God and for myself as well.
I don’t want to miss this. I don’t want to miss any of this
And so it’s always been a series
Of magical moments
Some quite painful but all shared in the magic
The magic of being alive
In the here and now
It’s a gift that explodes on us every moment
And yet it’s a gift that’s so easy to forget we are receiving.
It’s easy in this life to choose escape
Especially when we as a collective are living through
What we are living through
But when we get up in the morning
And you look at me with eyes full of love
Which break into a smile that’s pure
I can’t forget about what a gift each moment is.
And how whatever the losses are
No matter how big
Will push you into the future’s blessings if you allow them too.
Last night me you and your mama went all over brooklyn
Getting you/us a stroller with big tires for jogging
We took you on the train to get there
You were wrapped up on my chest and sleeping
My jacket over your head
You were hidden and sheltered
After we got it
We secured you in it
Not really meant for someone your age but you are so big you fit right in it
And we rolled you lightly to test it out
Immediately you were cool as a cucumber
Like you had memories instructing you from a past life
I Said to your mama
Look it’s like she’s done this before
Your eyes taking in everything
Your mama noticed and said as much
We passed by trees full of spinning Christmas lights
And you were being pushed like a tiny queen
Watching her kingdom
Fall and dance
And sing all around her
We walked for many blocks
Until we decided to get on the train
The strange graduations of being a parent
Here was another
Getting the stroller through the subway turnstile
The train coming as we got to it
I flew through and reached for the stroller
Trying to squeeze it through as the train came and went
I said a couple of bad words
And your mama got mad at me
I apologized and we got through it
A cop let us Through the doorway
And we rode the train back to Jay st.
Your mama feeding you
Both of us absolutely exhausted after a month or so without a full nights sleep
These are the moments I’m speaking of
These magical days of sleepless wonder
Where you’re constant becoming into this world
Is a gift of many colors
But also a challenge of many shades
Today we have therapy
I almost forgot.
It’s 746 am
And today is off to a great start
I wrote all this for instance
And I plan on getting a bike
And setting up my studio for ultimate productivity
I have time to undo the losses
I have time to be born again
As I watch you being born.
Ps.
On the train I asked your mama about the grey in my beard
Should I dye it I asked her
She said have you ever thought about taking it off
I said yeah I’m thinking about it but I thought you liked it
She said I do but it would be cool to see you without it
I said ok
She said I mean I’ve seen pictures but never in person
I said ok
When we got home I went right to the bathroom
And shaved the thing off with clippers
My face revealed itself
All that hair fell away
It had been on my face for years at this point
It felt good
I looked young
I walked out
Your mama screamed and had a big smile
You started crying on the couch
You probably didn’t recognize daddy anymore
I love it your mama said
But it’s a whole new person
I smiled
She said if I didn’t know you I’d say you were 32 years old
I said I’ll take it
Let’s start now from 32
The losses mean nothing
We are sitting in the grasp of a new beginning
A clean face
Sheltered from the past
Forward facing to the dream of infinite possibilities becoming now.