Where do I begin
A half century later here I am
And you and your mama are the light of my world
It’s a blessing unparalleled in the darkest of times
But we are moving towards the light all the time
And finding our way there
Through love
And what is love but the willingness to sacrifice?
Having a child puts you in that mode on a daily basis
Particularly when the world tries kicking dirt on your head
Or you ask for it
Whatever the case may be
And I think most parents would say it
I’ve heard most parents say it
That once you have a kid you’re no longer the most important person in your own world
You wake up in the spirit of sacrifice
You wake up in the spirit of love
Staring at your face in the morning
Every morning is a gift waking up with you
Even the ones when you’re screaming your head off to be fed
Every morning has been like Christmas since you been born
The anticipation of gift you are perpetually opening
That’s what having a child is
And I don’t mean to say there is no shadows in the room anymore
Or there isn’t a world breaking down
Or pressures or fear
I don’t mean to say that
But there is a reason
Outside of the vision I have for myself
To survive and make good on the promise my existence gave to the world
I went to first grade twice
Two years of first grade
I was small
And too young
And too awkward the first go round
With grades struggling to get up to speed
And an utter inability to fit in
Shy and bullied to a spooky degree
Concerning enough it was to the administration
Over at fairlawn elementary that they held me back
The bullying was severe and I’ve gone through seasons of it ever since
Like visiting energies of rejection
Which propel you into blossoming into new levels of survival
Like a flower blooming from the dirt
All of us are like that
But some of us have strange callings
The second time I went to first grade
I figured out how to fit in
I was taller and I learned that I was funny
And funny got people to like me
So I became a class clown and leaned into outsider-ness
But in a way that was accepted now
I was never one of the cool kids
And never have been
But I found a way
To make it work
To be liked by most and keep the bullying wolves at bay
I guess in some strange way it taught me how to survive rejection
And rejection is a terrifying wound for most
Or for all
But those that have survived it
Especially deep in their subconscious where their inner child still struggles to let it go
For those that have survived it
(Rejection I mean)
Perhaps they have the courage to face it later on
To say something unpopular if it’s how they feel
And invite those familiar demons over for tea and crumpets
By the time I was in fourth grade
My athleticism kicked in and I played football with all the six graders
Technically I guess I shoulda been a fifth grader
But I was a fourth grader
And I was the quarterback
Unstoppable
Throwing bombs to AJ
Who would score touchdowns with ease
AJ who came from Iran was the best runner in the school
And we would always get on the same team and destroy.
Glory days for sure
I’m so grateful for all the days
Leading up to here
Grateful that I can still talk about being grateful
I know that is in and of itself a tremendous blessing
Your mama made me coffee this morning and brought it to me with a mug
With all of our pictures on it
And generous and beautiful words
Very moving to receive and to read
Working towards building a family together and give you a complete parental structure
Nothing could be more challenging
But nothing could be more fun
And restorative
And make the world seem like a new place that’s beginning today
I’m approaching this birthday with a fast
And am on day four today
Clearing the energies of the past
And realigning my intentions and my relationships with you, your mama and God
And then the world outside
But I’m in no hurry
To show anything or prove anything
I’m abiding in the hands of the most high
Letting go and trusting
By Jr. high
I put all my striving and stretching into music
I decided my identity would live there
And that I would earn my value
By becoming the best bass player in the world
(Always with the lofty goals)
And these goals did catapult me into new levels of fame and acceptance
As just a couple years later I lived an adult life still in high school
Playing blues five nights a week (three sets a night) in a hard working and popular Cleveland blues band
Striving is good
The world dares you to lean into your possibilities
But sometimes we forget to lean into the possibility of simply being
Instead of doing
I think in some ways you are guiding me in that direction
Cause you
By simply being
Are such a bright vortex of love
That it’s hard for me or your mama to comprehend or really understand
When we just stare at your face going through
Countless emotions while trying on new sounds
From squeaks to grunts
The grasp of burgeoning language
Beginning to show green from the dirt.
Once I left Ohio
No college
And working odd jobs in Atlanta
Finding acceptance there
Wasn’t easy at all
Playing in various bands until I started my own
Until that fell away and I was just a solo artist recording in my studio basement apartment
Off of ponce de leon
Right behind fellini’s pizza
With sleeping bags stapled over my windows in leau of curtains
Working as a bouncer at night and spending days recording
And going to meetings
Or working at Clark music selling guitars
And dreaming of owning expensive telecasters someday.
Come to think of it
My level of acceptance was marginal then
And the high school popularity contest followed me around
Like a ball and chain
Do we ever escape these games of status?
I suppose it’s on us to liberate ourselves
Through enlightenment or salvation
Or just not caring if you have a voice that anyone hears
But I’ve never been that big
I’ve always cared
Always wanted to love and be loved
Some of us come from fractured places where that journey can resemble a carnival funhouse
The damaged way we go about earning our place on the conveyer belt of survival
But looking back
I’m grateful for the testimony
And for the strange way I was delicately raised through all these peculiar challenges
Moments of rejection
Which prepared me and catapulted me into moments of extraordinary acceptance and exaltation
The tape I made in that apartment in Atlanta
With prostitutes working in the upstairs rooms
Made its way to the UK
And then so did I
Grateful
To have been mentored by a genius
And my music nurtured and allowed to flourish
Grateful for making albums with high end producers and collaborators
In high end studios
And then touring all over europe and america
Countless times
None of it was easy
I never found universal acceptance
And even then there was always pressures
To live up to some unknown promise
But wow
What an experience
And in the end
That’s all we have is our experience and the lessons
That blossom our beings
Hopefully into a powerful relationship with our creator
And when you look back
It’s the struggles you got through which make you smile
Not necessarily the moments where you won the prize
But those moments when you came in second place and survived it to better yourself the following day
I got to play arenas
Opening up for some of my favorite artists
I got to pack out decent sized venues on my own
And won audiences over and over again
Like a gladiator going into a ring with an ever changing tiger
Or a prize fighter
Maybe I struggled too much
But I learned how to relax
Or how to be in first grade again the second time around
Having been held back
Bigger now
I relied on humor
And won audiences that way as well
But looking back
It’s not wins I reflect on
It’s the times when everything was stacked against me
And I was at what I perceived to be a bottom
Looking for grace to pull me through
Those are the times I most reflect on and smile about now
Having made it through what seemed impossible then
You could say this first month or so of your life has been a season like that
A challenging season
A season of transformation and transition
We are all beginning together
Me drinking out of this mug with our pictures on it
I can already pick it up twenty years from now
And allow it to bring a tear of happiness to my eyes
For us as a family evolving and overcoming the challenges of life together
What could be greater
What could show God’s faith in us more
The first half century has been an absolute blast
I reckon the best is yet to come.